if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
