My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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