I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
