Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
