I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
