is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
