u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
