my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
