I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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