come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
