No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
