i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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