dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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