you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
