i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
