Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
