Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize