I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
