Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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