I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
