I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
