you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
