Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize