I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
