Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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