Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
