just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
