Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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