I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
