Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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