Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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