If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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