the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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