we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
