I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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