My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
