I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
