my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
