So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
