I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize