I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
