It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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