Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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