Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
