he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
