You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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