So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
