I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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