Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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