Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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