I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
