last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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