I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
