We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
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