I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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