tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
