i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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