We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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