I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
