I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
