my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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