My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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